12 Weeks

Feels so good to hit 12 weeks today! And feels so good that I got to see the babies!!! Below are pictures of Baby A, Baby B, and them together. Baby A was sleeping while Baby B was dancing like crazy! No gender guesses and I was disappointed to find out my next u/s isn't until 20 weeks. I was really hoping to have one at 16 weeks to find out genders in order to start preparing while I am feeling good. So, I am thinking about doing an elective one so that I have 4 more weeks to work on rooms, clean out old stuff, etc.

This is the best Christmas present ever!!! Hope everyone has a fabulous holiday!!!

Some updates....

I have a hard time updating mainly b/c I started this blog to (in a crazy emotional way) give back to the blogging community. Over the past 3 years of infertility I have read countless blogs and message boards and when we decided to start our journey at CCRM I wanted to document it for those people just starting on their infertility journey. I documented the ODWU, the crazy Day 3 blood draw, our 11 day stay in Denver, bad fert report, great day 6 report and even better CCS results. And then of course, my holy grail - the positive HPT, rising beta's, and beautiful heartbeats. Through all of that I have had strong support from amazing women across the country. It truly has been a great experience. I thank you all for this!

Not sure where to go from here but for now I will write a quick update.

I am 11 weeks as of yesterday - and have my 12 week ultrasound in a week. Knowing that seeing 2 healthy heartbeats will be the BEST Christmas present ever. I wonder if at that point I will feel like it is for real.....and start really planning. I have been spending many mornings and lunch hours at my local LabCorp while weaning from the progesterone and estrogen. I was paying $222 each visit at my local RE but now going to LabCorp it is $0!! And they even do it STAT. I am totally off of progesterone! Whoa!!! And down to 2 estrace pills a day. After my last post the nurses started being a little more reliable and calling with my results - it has been so much less stressful.

Hope everyone has a great holiday season!

Calling in Favors, The Flu, and Another U/s

White Flag:

Last Friday I was at a breaking point as I still had not heard from a nurse about my E2, P4 and U/S from earlier that week. We were on our way to Disney but I was a basket case so Josh made me call in a favor. My distant cousin is a nurse at CCRM.....so he called the main office and asked for her - and much to my surprise she answered! I am such a baby - I couldn't even explain the situation without crying. She went to talk to my main nurse and let me know she had my results and would call me later. At that moment my whole body relaxed.

The dreaded stomach bug:

Charlotte had the stomach bug (maybe flu) last week but we still made it to Disney. Then, Sunday morning I woke up in the hotel and felt TERRIBLE. A hangover times 20 - appears I caught the same bug. We came home immediately where I spent most of the day in bed. I was worried about what was going on in my ute so I took Monday off to continue to recover.

The need for an u/s:

So, I had another u/s today - and it was just what I needed heading into Thanksgiving. Both babies are measuring right on track and their heartbeats were about 170. I think it is time to face the music that I just may be really growing TWO babies in my body.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. I know many of you may be on different parts of your journey and this can be a hard time. When I was in a dark place this saying helped me appreciate each day even if I seemed to be waiting for something else.... There is no road to happiness....happiness is the road.

Holy Emotional

I think I have cried 10 times in less than 12 hours. It all started yesterday when I just got totally fed up with the lack of communication from the emerald city. I had my u/s on Monday and even though I had left multiple voicemails and sent many emails all I had gotten in return was half ass email responses. I started weaning vivelle patches and also started doing PIO every other day and I couldn't get any nurse to engage enough to tell me if this was okay and when I should get checked next. I freaked out. And they won't tell me when to have another ultrasound. Huh? I thought it would be 2 weeks like EVERYONE ELSE. Finally late last night the nurse called. They never got the u/s results. Great. She wanted to see the results to decide on the next u/s. Fair enough, I guess. I had to go today for bloodwork - which may or may not be sent to them today from LabCorp. Fabulous.

I am not only Holy Emotional - I am also Holy Happy. I am still in shock and disbelief. So thrilled that all of this has paid off and that our dream is coming true.

When I laid down on the table just after 1 on Monday my heart was beating so loudly I felt like everyone could hear it. The screen was pointed away from me so of course I watched the nurses face (not Josh's b/c he had no idea what he was looking at!) waiting for a sign. She pretty much immediately said - "Looks like there are 2 in there". She let me look at the screen for a second and then started all her measurements. She let us listen to both heartbeats (cue tear coming down my face)....they were both about 130. That is pretty much all she told us. But it was enough for me (at the time).

So next steps. No idea and it is driving me crazy. I did make my first Ob appt for the first week of December.

Thanks for all the well wishes :)

Quickie

Just a quick post to share the news......2 sacs and 2 heartbeats. They sounded beautiful - and as I listened a tear ran down my cheek.

I don't think anything is going to be "quick" anymore......

More details tonight!

24 hours

I am a nervous wreck!! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow at 1pm and I have butterflies in my stomach. It has been a long week watching the days go by on my calendar - and now we are almost there. I just kept saying "I can do it" - feels corny but it got me through each day!

I was a basket case on Thursday and had a complete meltdown on my way to work (a combination of nerves, being tired, so sad for Mo, and my mother-in-law being in town). I had my E2 and P4 drawn that morning and the nurse called at almost 9pm EST. My estrogen was 2800 - this is up from 244 in one week! My P4 is up to 45. She said my body is kicking in and doing what it should be doing - I sure hope she is right. Sounds like I will be able to start weaning off the meds this week - yipeee!

I have been paying out of pocket for all these blood draws (for example, Thursday was $222). My insurance will only cover the hormone levels if the blood is "sent out" - which my local clinic won't do. So, my nurse said I can go to Quest or Labcorp from now on to save some money....and I am so relieved. Just wanted to share in case anyone else is experiencing this extra cost.

Remember my heart shirt from transfer day? Well, I am wearing it again today in desperate hope of seeing a beautiful heartbeat tomorrow. (again, can you say corny!)

Will update as soon as possible but may be later in the day due to work meetings.

The wait!

Since my 2nd beta I had a p4 and e2 draw.....and my e2 is STILL low. I am on 4 patches and 3 estrace a day. Seriously??? It was about 240 or 260 - can't remember. The nurse took it to the wizard to get his thoughts. Answer is to keep doing what I am doing. It created a bit of obsessing for a few days but eventually I had to let it go. I guess I just don't know what to do when I don't have something to google about IVF. I think my body has a hard time with the estrogen - b/c during a FET in April I was doing estrogen injections (delestrogen) and even then it took extra long to get my E2 up.

My ultrasound is scheduled for Monday! I have been counting down the days....waiting, hoping, praying we see a strong heartbeat. Will update then!

11dp5dt Beta

Well, I finally got my beta results almost 36 hours after having my blood drawn. I feel like I spent the weekend worried while checking my phone and email like a maniac.

But, alas - better late than never (or bad). The delay was due to the hospital not sending the result.

9dp5dt: 244

11dp5dt: 800

Doubling time of 28 hours!

Next step is to have my E2 and P4 checked on Thursday or Friday (getting differing info). I haven't been told about my first u/s but I am going to ask b/c I really want to get it on the books with my local clinic.

As far as symptoms: I am feeling unbelievably tired - I am worried about making it through a work day. I am having a few cramps and my nipples still hurt!

Hope everyone had a great Halloween weekend. As promised here is a pic of Dorothy and the scarecrow to always remember our year of the yellow brick road.

Beta!

What a great feeling to be happy to get my blood drawn this morning - with a skip in my step and my heart swelling. Humbling to remember that I have made the same walk to the dr office a couple of times with total dread.

So my beta is 244!!!
My P4 is around 60 (doing PIO) and my E2 is finally around 400.
Next beta should be Saturday but my local clinic doesn't do betas on the weekend - but the nurse wants me to go - anyone else have this problem and a good solution?

A little tip for all of you. I got a free month supply of vivelle patches (8) using a voucher from their website. I fulfilled it at Freedom Pharmacy with no problems at all.

I am so unbelieveably happy and now keep telling myself - one day at a time - as I was already figuring out when the first u/s would be!

So, a couple of weeks ago I was out shopping and saw a Dorothy costume for Charlotte - and I couldn't pass it up (she already had a pair of red ruby slippers). I also bought myself a scarecrow costume and was planning on getting DH the tinman. I thought this was too perfect for 2010 - as we have been on the yellow brick road for so many months. I will be sure to share a picture!

So many BFP's on my blog roll - I am soo happy for all of you, and hopeful for those to come.

More Like It (6dp5dt)

I took your advice, bought a First Response last night, tossed and turned all night waiting for the morning and then took the test at 6AM.

Within 2 minutes the line showed up and the best part was I didn’t have to hold it a special way to see it.


I am so happy to be right where I am right now. As I mentioned many people know about this cycle, but they will not know the result until Thursday. For now (although I am a nervous wreck), I have a little secret in my uterus – although I feel like it is in my heart.

Is a line a line if...

-It is on the dollar tree test?

-If some of you may see it and some of you may not but both Josh and I see it

-We saw it at about 6 minutes - the instructions say between 3 and 10 minutes (picture was taken at 12 minutes)

Next steps:

-Test in the morning

-Buy a better brand - what do you recommend?

-Cautiously hoping that this is real and I am not being fooled.

HPT Torture (5dp5dt)

This morning I chickened out and didn't take the test. I convinced myself I wouldn't last night so that I could go to sleep. So immediately after my first morning pee I started holding it - so that mid-morning I could POAS. So about 11 I squeezed 4 drops into one of the dollar tree tests. I went to prepare a load of laundry. At 3 minutes I only saw white so I took it downstairs, showed it to Josh, and said "Sorry, I was hoping to have a surprise". He held it in all different light and swore he saw something. Then, I looked and yes, I see something. Is it a real line, a ghost line, a gray line, a pink line??? It was just at 10 minutes.

During my last FET I swore I saw a line and I obviously didn't, so I am not at all optimistic. But, I know it is early. Very early. (considering my transfer wasn't until 3pm - it hasn't even been 5 days!)

This has to work, right? We transferred 2 high quality hatching chromosomally normal embryos. For crying out loud.

This post from Chronicles of.... hit home with me b/c I feel like there is so much pressure. So many people know about this - friends, family, family friends, work people, hair dressers, etc. There are so many people pulling for us I don't want to let them down.

As for symptoms. I feel off.....still have that pain to the left and below my belly button. And now my back aches. Oh, and my right nipple hurts. That's all folks.

Should I POAS again today?

3dp5dt

So, how do I feel? Scared. They should have implanted by now....have you little snowbabies? Or are you melting away like the wicked witch of the west?

So, today is 3dp5dt. When I got home last night I pulled out my actual handwritten "diary" of my 3 other IVF's to see what I felt then. Funny, it seems I felt the same during each one and 2 failed and 1 worked. Well, that leaves me nowhere!!!!

In 2 days I will be POAS and my heart will be racing and in my throat while I am willing a line to appear. Imagining the sinking feeling if it only 1 line appears and knowing the pure joy if there are two. Or maybe I should hold out a few days.

Not until late on 1dp5dt did I start feeling any cramps. And it was always one spot....to the left and a little lower than my belly button. Let's be honest, is that even my uterus? Or is it b/c some of my patches are there? My lower right side sometimes cramps. But I am only typing all of this b/c I have nothing else to say. No other symptoms. Nada.

Let's be honest again. Only time will tell.

For the record on the day of transfer my E2 was still in the low 200's.....these patches don't seem to be doing the job for me so now I am up to 3 estrace pills a day (covered my insurance - yay!). Has this happened to anyone else? My P4 was however was in the 30's.

Tomorrow we are celebrating my parents 40th Wedding Anniversary - what an important event! Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Two Jewels

Below is a picture of the 2 jewels currently in my uterus. My sister has named them Aurora and Belle for disney princesses b/c Charlotte is now falling in love with these lovely ladies.

We arrived at CCRM at noon and I was quickly taken back for my blood draw and then we wen upstairs to be greeted by Lynne who ushered us into our room. I was shocked to find out they bring the embryos to us rather than taking me somewhere. I popped my valium and we got comfortable as my bladder got more uncomfortable. They checked my bladder via u/s, Lynne gave us bed rest instructions and then Kerry from embryology came in to discuss the embryos. They thawed the 5AA and the 5BB - and one had moderately expanded and one minimally expanded. Hmmmm - he didn't seemed concerned so I am going to go with that. Then the wizard appeared and he went right to town - barely saying a word (after a nice hello). During the actual transfer (from speculum to embryo placement) he didn't say a single word. Nothing. Do the nurse and embryology guy just read his cues?? Strange. On his way out he said "It couldn't have gone better". Very matter of fact - definitely not a warm and fuzzy feeling. He did pop in later to just ask how I was doing.

We had to wait an hour before I could get dressed and go to the bathroom. They offered a bed pain, but what in the world does that mean? I read on Mo's blog that is was an uncomfortable experience so I said no and held it.

I have been laying around relaxing. Already a bit bored....and anxious.....and trying not to obsess that I think the embryos look a little funny.....they don't look like everyone else's!!!

Please stick little ones. I am ready for you!!!!



Thanks for all the support!

Emerald City

We are here and I am assuming the snowbabies are thawing and hopefully expanding......just waiting around for our scheduled time to arrive at the clinic. Our transfer time with the wizard himself is 1:15.

I have always worn the same outfit to my retrieval and transfer days (well, the same comfy pants and a tank top). Well, I decided to change it up today. I am wearing my heart so that the wizard knows that isn't what I need - instead I need this to work so I can love a child with everything I have.

T minus 6 Days

Transfer is on for Tuesday!! October 19th will be a great day!!

Well, my u/s this morning revealed a lining of 14.8. Yikes. And she said no when I asked about the triple pattern. So, by 7:50 I was at my desk at work consulting dr. google and all of your blogs out there trying to determine if this cycle was doomed. I found plenty of girls who had similar linings and transfers still happened - so this got me through the day.

Marsha reviewed my u/s and my E2 of only 205 with Dr. Schoolcraft and he said it is a go. Now I have to take 2 estrogen blue magic pills a day along with the list of meds that filled up a yellow sticky pad. Tonight is my last Lupron shot and in return I get a PIO shot in my butt in the morning and a suppository at night.

It has been about 4 months since our first consult with the wizard. At that time I envisioned a lonng list of all the "to-dos" we would have to cross off before actually being in the final two week wait. We have done all the paperwork, gone for the ODWU, shipped day 3 b/w, done monitoring locally, spent 11 days in denver, egg retrieval, fert report, day 3 report, day 6 report, CCS results, FET prep.....and we are finally in the FINAL stretch. My heart is full of hope, my mind is full of dreams of babies and thoughts of what if this fails?

A week from today I will be a basket case stuck in bed!

Random questions and thoughts as the time slowly passes....

Still prepping for the FET - hopefully it is really going to happen a week from tomorrow! I am up to 4 patches and starting to feel really crampy.

A couple of questions for all you out there:

-Is cramping normal?
-What exactly does "rotate" the patches mean? How long should I wait until I use the same spot? Is the reason for rotating b/c of absorption or b/c of skin irritation?
-Did any of you put them on your back? I have 2 back there right now.....
-I have continued to jog and lift weights - anyone else keep at it while prepping?

My ultrasound is Wednesday morning to check out my lining - getting anxious.

On another note...I was at a party Saturday night as I was talking to another girl she told me she is 4 months pregnant. After congratulating her I asked when her due date would be and her response was "April, I didn't want to be pregnant over the summer". I laughed. Out loud. What a totally different perspective she has on this baby making thing.

My Sunshine

I usually only talk about our IVF journey at CCRM on this blog but I am going to come out and talk about a hobby that seems to be turning into a bit of moonlighting. PHOTOGRAPHY. Here is my latest favorite shot of Charlotte.

Charlotte and I were playing in her room one weekend late afternoon and I was trying to catch the the last bit of sun coming through her window....so I climbed into the window seat and waited for her to turn and look at me. I love the catch lights that make her dark brown eyes shine. This picture makes me feel warm like the Florida sunshine and reminds me of why we are going through all of this at CCRM. It also reminds me of how very lucky we are and why I am routing for all of you.

Over the last 18 months I have been getting to know my Nikon D90, took a class, practiced a ton, and then started building my portfolio. I have some slow weeks and some busy weeks with shoots. I have read and read and read - and it will never end.

If anyone is interested my photography blog is MaggieFullerPhotography.blogspot.com

< 50

I have had my head down just grinding through each work week. Rather than "working for the weekend" I have been "working for Oct 19th".

I started the vivelle patches last week and had my first E2 blood draw this morning. I was a bit worried all day as I had a slow start during the only other FET I have done (why didn't that FET work again?) and I was doing IM shots of delestrogen. So, my E2 is only 30 something. So, now I have to take estrace every night. We are keeping my schedule the same - with everything riding on the u/s next Wednesday. So, head down......

P.S. the makeup remover that comes in the clinque gift bag works great at getting off the sticky residue from the patches.

Day 1

Day 1 of what? Well, my AF, which means it is zero weeks, day 1 of my pregnancy.

I post this b/c all day as I thought about how my FET is now kick-started I was reminded of one of my favorite bloggers post over 2 years ago.

I also had my re-group with the Wizard tonight. He is soo HARD to talk to on the phone. Like it is always so awkward. Not really sure what to think but I am not overwhelmingly happy. Yeah, he said day 6 embryos (all of ours) have less success than day 5 embryos. Fabulous. But he says he has high hopes b/c my body has carried a baby to full term. He also agreed with transferring 2 b/c of our history of non-success. When I told him I was disappointed (at the time) with my 30+ follicles, 22 eggs, 12 mature, 7 (or 10) fertilized....he basically disagreed with the whole thing and said it turned out better than average. The only thing to improve would be the number of mature eggs. Very interesting.

So, if all goes as planned, transfer will be 3 weeks from tomorrow. Time seems to have slowed down.

CCS Results!

I have no patience. I emailed the main email address at noon (10 Denver time) and just asked if they thought I would get a call today or if I should just relax and wait until Monday. I just couldn't stand it. At 1 my phone rang. It was Dawn, my long lost nurse. She said she got the results just this morning and had "really great news".

5 of 6 are normal

I never ever thought I would be typing that. Especially thinking back to 2 1/2 weeks ago when being told only 7 fertilized.

I asked which one was abnormal and why. It was the 4AB and it had an extra chromosome (don't know which one). So, the 5AA (my best) and the 4BC (worst) are normal.

Thanks for everyone's support. You all are great.

I feel hope creeping back in!

Waiting on 303

Well, I have to admit I have started checking my phone every 30ish minutes.....looking for the 303 area code. I think I may be jumping the gun!

What in the world are they going to tell me? If there was a way to cheat to find out (like taking a HPT or looking under the bed) I wouldn't be able to control myself.

Will they really call on Friday? Is 14 days average now? (Comment, please!)
Even if day 6 was a Friday before a holiday weekend?

Hopefully I will have an update in about 48 hours.

Frozen in Time

I am referring to the 6 embryos that are over 1800 miles away and are about a mile higher than me in the sky.

Today I found myself thinking about all the traits that are already decided about those embryos. Blue eyes, brown eyes, blonde hair, brown hair, fair skin, or skin than tans regardless of SPF 50, an extra chromosome here, a missing chromosome there, boy, girl, glasses, 20/20 vision. It is crazy to think all of those beautiful traits are decided and frozen in time.

Tomorrow will mark 1 week since the day 6 biopsy – so we should get a call a week from tomorrow. Obsessing will commence on Monday.

In the mean time I got my AF (9 days after retrieval) and sent the nurse an email asking for a tentative FET schedule. For some reason I thought my ask for a Thur/Fri transfer wouldn’t be an issue. I got my calendar last night and it is set for Oct 19th! (That would be a Tuesday). What am I going to do about it? Go with it. What else can I do? To be honest I was shocked with how soon it is and I am focusing on that rather than having to take off 3 more days of work. And it is “tentative” so one weird E2 result can move the date.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Day 6 Report

I didn't sleep well last night. I had dreams about the embryos all night - the reoccurring one being that there were 3 to biopsy. So in my dreams I was convincing myself that 3 was an okay number.

So, once the real day started I was immediately watching the clock (and yawning). I figured they would call around 12:30 my time. Well, I was walking into a meeting at 11 and my phone started ringing. I told my employee "I may not be able to be in this meeting" (thinking the worst) and ran down the hall.

It was John. He told me they were able to biopsy SIX today. Wow, Sunday when the embryo count was 7 I had no expectation of 6. So, this blew me out of the water. He told me they were all in the early blast stages yesterday (day 5) so they waited until today to do the biopsy. I wish I had asked if this is a bad sign???? Anyone know? Of course I have searched through the IVF connections board and it seems people have success with day 6 embryos.

I then asked for the quality grading. Detailed explanation here. I have put the chart below for reference.

So, they are all 6 day blasts. Again, I have no I idea if this is good or bad. But I am choosing to be positive!

Grading definition: Number (expansion grade), Inner Cell Mass grade (becomes the baby), Trophectoderm grade (becomes the placenta)

5AA

4AB

5BB

4BB

4BB

4BC (he said this is questionable but worth testing for information)

We are very happy. I think I can get through this 2WW. Although it may be a bit longer b/c of the holiday they will not be shipping out until Tuesday.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Expansion grade	Blastocyst development and stage status
1	Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2	Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3	Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4	Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5	Hatching out of the shell
6	Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade	Inner cell mass quality
A	Many cells, tightly packed
B	Several cells, loosely grouped
C	Very few cells

TE grade	Trophectoderm quality
A	Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B	Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C	Very few large cells

Beautiful

That is how the embryologist described our 7 three day old embryos. I almost fell over. He reviewed them with Dr. Surrey and he recommended we keep on going forward to biopsy. I know we still have a long way to go (days 3-5 always seems to be the rough spot). But, I am happy the road continues at this check-point.

Thank you so much for all the comments. I appreciate all the kind words - they helped tremendously.

I have even more news. THREE more fertilized. Huh? So, what he said is they did not “observe” fertilization in those other 7 mature eggs – but when he looked today 3 more had started dividing. Can you say shocked?

So on to the stats. All 10 (yes, I said TEN) are grade 4 (the best).
Of the original 7:
5 are 8 cells
1 is 6 cells
1 is 10 cells
Of the mystery 3
1 is 8 cells
1 is 5 cells
1 is 4 cells

He said not to be discouraged with the 4/5 cell ones - of course not - they didn't even exist yesterday!!!

I know I sound like a different person from yesterday. I only hope this is the same person typing on Friday night – that dark place is very scary.

There are very special people in my life that are dealing with all my emotions – and for them I am so thankful. They are always by my side in the highs and don’t run away in the lows. I only hope I can be as good of a friend.

Keep on growing girls (yes, I picture them all as girls)!

Pieces

My heart is in pieces. My mind as well.

I wish I had better news to report. It is not over, but I feel like the end is near. (dramatic, maybe?)

They expected 32 eggs. They got 22. Only 14 were mature (with an E2 over 4000). How does this make sense? I could live with this. But not with the fact that only 7 fertilized. Seven. Single digits.

I feel like comparing to my local clinic isn't right or fair, but here it goes anyway:
IVF #1: 32 eegs (e2: 3600), 31 mature, 19 fertilized, BUT on day 5 only 1 blast and 1 morula - BFN
IVF #2: 18 eggs (e2: 3100), 17 mature, 12 fertilized. 3DT of two 7 cell embryos, BFP resulted in my daughter. Additional 2 frozen: FET BFN.

Dr. Schoolie said I was an easy case. Is the joke on him or on me?

Last night I reached out to the nurse email (since I don't have a nurse) with a list of questions such as: Did any of the immature eggs mature over night, do we need to change the plan since there are only 7, and asked specifically for Dr. Schoolie's take on things.

I received an email back that Dr. Schoolie is out of the office for the next week but she would talk to Dr. Surr. The day is over and never heard back from her. However, she did also reach out to John (embryology) and he called me.

Nice guy. Probably lots of practice talking to very emotional women. He agreed that all the numbers seem "off" but that the doctor would have to address that with me. So, we talked embryos. I guess my concern was that if we only had a 50% fert rate does that correlate to not so great embryos that we do have? He said no. Whew, I guess. He said none matured over night but that they are still working on this process so it is not a huge concern. He also said they recommend continuing on the genetic testing path as long as you start with 6 or more embryos. I also asked if they will "check" on them tomorrow. He said of course they will and he will call me " because you seem stressed". However, what they see doesn't necessarily reflect what will happen in the following few days. So, it seems it will be a call to just get me more worked up.

Everyone says stay positive. What do you think? Am I overreacting? Is 7 still okay? I need honesty here. Please.

IF we are lucky to have 2 make it to Friday, THEN I have to hope that at least 1 comes back normal. THEN I have to hope the ONE sticks. This is a lot to ride on.

For almost 2 years I had a break from infertility. It was still there, but laying dormant. It all came back when our FET failed. But, I still had hope. Through the process with CCRM I have been so positive - excited for friends pregnancy news, all that jazz without it really hurting. I mean I am going to the BEST clinic in the US. The doctor says I am easy. And then the message on my phone came. It all came tumbling down while sitting on the plane. Immediately I am sad/jealous/angry and want to scream IT IS NOT FAIR.

I feel unbelievably lucky I have Charlotte. She is my everything. But, I have a hole in my heart - for her sister/brother - for my son/daughter. And the pain is real and hurts like hell. It is not easier this time. And when people say, at least you have Charlotte, I smile and say yes. But I do not feel complete.

Twenty Two

22 eggs are being fertilized and I can't help but hope all are mature and we get a good fertilization report tomorrow (hopefully before we get on our 4 hour flight!!).

Had a great experience at the surgery center. Josh went in at 7:30 while I watched Charlotte outside. Then, we switched off and I went upstairs at 8 to start the process. A very nice nurse, Lynn, got me all set up. I was very nervous about the IV, but with the hot towel and numbing shot it wasn't bad at all! Then, I read a magazine while I waited for the party to start at 9. Dr. M did the procedure - I really got a great feeling about her.

But, wow, they made me wait to find out how many eggs!!! I was so anxious and started to go crazy thinking all the nurses were avoiding eye contact and that bad news was coming. The girl from the lab came and told me there were 22 eggs. I was happy but also wondered where all the rest of them went? I will always remember that Dr. S said that around 20 was the most he liked getting - so I am going to take it as a good sign and be really positive.

Tonight I have to take my dostinex, cetrotide shot and antibiotic.

Thanks for reading and for the support!!

Are we there yet?

Yes, we are! I am triggering tonight at 10pm. So happy & excited - and trusting that the wizard has made the right decisions along the way. I wasn't called until 6pm - so I was a bit on edge. But cheered when she told me it was time to trigger. At my u/s there are still sooo many follicles. It kind of looks like a honey comb. The biggest was 20, but most were from 16-18. Each u/s tech (I have seen 4) has asked if I have polycystic ovaries - which is what Dr. S suspected based on my previous cycles. But the results from my ODWU did not lead indicate I do.

It seems they are worried about OHSS. I had to take a cetrotide shot tonight. And I also had to fill a script for dostinex (well, I actually got the generic cabergoline). And I was told a fresh transfer was not an option (luckily we are doing the CGH testing) so wasn't disappointed.

Retrieval Saturday morning at 9am. Then we get to head home Sunday. Yay!!!

I know I know, then the wait to get the day 5/6 report.

Coasting and Freaking

Well, I am officially coasting.

Only did Lupron tonight. And no meds in the morning. My E2 was up to 4200 today. My follicles grew but still not where they want them to be. Am I really going to go more than 1 more day? Isn't coasting for 3 days bad???

My friend Christie helped talk me down from completely losing it so I am feeling better. I keep coming back to the fact that I have to trust Dr. Schoolcraft. And it sounds like he is actually the one reviewing my chart.

Oh, and she said there are over 20 one ONE ovary. No wonder my belly is huge.

Never ending....

Still in Denver.
Still having fun.
Still have over 30 follicles growing.
MAJOR bloat. I mean crazy.
I feel like we may never go home. This cycle goes on & on & on.
Had to pick up a different med: Luveris

Continuation of cycle:
Day 10: 1 menopur am, 75 gonal-f pm E2: 2361 Follicle count/size: 20+/largest 16
Day 11: No menopur am, 1 Luveris pm E2: 3345 Follicle count/size: 20+/largest 18
Day 12: 1 Luveris instead of menopur am, pm TBD

I am REALLY hoping to trigger tomorrow night (I want to go home on Saturday rather than Sunday) - these follicles better be growing a lot tonight!!!

Shots shots and more shots

We are still going strong in Denver. Seems we will be here for awhile longer.....on schedule for 11 or 12 nights of stims.

We have been having so much fun and keeping very busy during the days. Much better than being at work!! Looking for restaurant recomendations if anyone has any. Also, we are interested in driving to the mountains for a daytrip but I can't decide where to go: Georgetown, Boulder??

Thought I would outline my whole cycle with E2 levels and follicle details.

Day 1: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 2: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 3: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 4: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm E2: 97 Follicle count/size: 20/not measurable
Day 5: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 6: 2 menopur am, 300 gonal-f pm E2: 397 Follicle count/size: 20ish/not sure - still small
Day 7: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 8: 2 menopur am, 75 gonal-f pm E2: 1025 Follicle count/size: 30ish/12 largest
Day 9: 1 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm E2: 1600ish Follicle count/size: 30ish/13 largest
Day 10(tomorrow): 1 menopur am, TBD pm

Notes: every night I also do 5 Lupron and dexamethosone
As far as follicles - it all depended on the nurse and what she wanted to share with me.

I think they will keep me going as long as my E2 stays in-check. As far as my history goes - my first cycle I triggered when it was 3600 and got 32 eggs (30 mature, 18 fert). Second cycle I triggered at 3000 and got 18 eggs (17 mature, 12 fert).

Bring on all those Denver recommendations!

Pump it up

Day 6 of stims and we are in Denver!

Cycle notes:
Doing 2 Menopur every morning and 150 iu of Gonal-f every night
Day 4: e2 was only 97, small follicles but about 20
Day 6: e2 391, she counted 18 (still very small)

This afternoon the nurse told me:
Day 6 evening: pump it up to 300 iu Gonal-f (want to kick start everything)
Day 7: 2 menopur and back to 150 gonal-f (no b/w or u/s)
Day 8: 2 menopur in morning then u/s and b/w

Not sure how I feel about all this. The e2 numbers are on par with my other cycles - so doing 300 makes me nervous but I have to believe in them. I know I am capable of making 18-30 eggs so getting less than 15 will depress me - but of course the quality may be better so I just need to relax!

And just some notes about the little bits of drama.....

-On day 4 I had a stressful evening as CCRM didn't receive my results from my local clinic and didn't tell me until after 5. Luckily I was able to get my b/w results but only got a vocal recollection of my u/s.
-Did you know that the local monitoring includes u/s and then p4, e2 AND LH....for a total of $500 for each visit. Holy cow. (I must have missed this on other blogs?)
-Our hotel is great (Hampton Inn & Suites in Tech Center area)

Hoping to get a good nights sleep....night night! Grow follies grow!

And we're off....

Just a quick update. Baseline checked out fine, and my hormones were low. I didn't ask for details b/c they called at the absolute WORST time and I was rushing to get off the phone. But glad it was good news.

Looking forward to the menopur burn tomorrow morning.

Thanks for all the well wishes!

Check out google

AF arrived! Yipeeeeeeee!! So, was it the exercise, the shake or the s-e-x. Or maybe it was that I ovulated 14 days ago. Ha!

What freaks me out though is that I was so obsessed and worried about AF – how am I going to handle all of the rest of the steps….retrieval, fertilization, day 3 report, day 5 report, and CGH results. There is a long road ahead of us…..

Speaking of the yellow brick road. I went to google this morning and was surprised to see this….









"Today's Google doodle celebrates The Wizard of Oz, which had its first premiere screening 71 years ago today. "

Tomorrow morning is my supression check. Hopefully we will be off to see the wizard....

Where is she????

Freaking out!!!

AF has to arrive before my 7am appointment on Friday or all our careful (and thrifty) planning is out the window. Aghhhhh.

Any ideas? I am crampy and feel like it is coming, but where o where is she?? I know I ovulated 14 days ago.

What google told me....milkshake (chick-fil-a cookies and cream - check), exercise (running this morning - check), bath (maybe tonight?), sex (maybe tonight?), relax (not gonna happen).

Bring it on beaotch!!!!!

Ready. Set. Go.

My P4 was 24 - so definitely met the requirement of >5. Thanks for the well wishes!

Next step....call when AF arrives. I am guessing Tue/Wed. Then, baseline will be Friday morning (the 13th). Then the real fun begins!

Until then just trying not to obsess. (or worry or freak out or yell at my DH).

I spy.....$2600 dollars

I got my box of meds today - delivered at work. I will consider this my obligatory meds picture b/c we all know what is in there....some gonal-f, menopur, lupron, HCG, and lots o lots of needles.




















Tomorrow morning I have my p4 test to make sure it is >5 - then I will start Lupron tomorrow night. I hope our schedule stays on track!! I can't believe it is starting. I am excited and scared to death all at the same time.

Surprises.

Not the OH MY GAWD I got a BFP the cycle before IVF.

Deciding to go to CCRM wasn't a hard decision for me. Our 2 options were to do the shared risk for 25K (3 fresh/3 frozen) or go to CCRM for 1 shot with answers for about the same cost. I get crazy obsessed during my cycles. During the FET in April I was so obsessed I even lost focus on Charlotte - this broke my heart. This was a main factor in the decision - I just knew I couldn't keep going through it over and over and was tired of relying on "luck".

Anyway, back to the surprises. It is A LOT of money. I try to block out the thoughts about how most people do it for FREE. And then the insurance coverage I DO NOT have.

So, every time I learn about another 100 dollar surprise I say "hey, what the hell, we are spending 25K anyway". Well I am starting to think all those 100's are starting to add up to over a thousand. This is bothering me and it is actually pissing Josh off.

Here are a few:
-Extra $150 for the "admin" fee for the clinic here to monitor me (oh, and I get to pay it now and again during the FET monitoring)
-Extra $400 for "Drs" fee for the CCS
-Re-group $108 that lasted 6 minutes (I wish I had just not done it)

Anyone have any advice for how to just let it be?

The Big O and the Short Re-Group

My calendar is based on me ovulating by Friday. I am happy to report it appears to be happening right now. Let's hope I am right.

On to the shortest ever re-group. I feel like I have been waiting for this forever - I mean it has been a month and 5 days since our ODWU. And I stretched it out so it would like 6 minutes. Do you think they will charge be the full 100 something dollars?

He started off asking what my questions were. I really only had 1. Okay 2.

Why no BCP?? He basically said that many of their protocol don't include BCP - and this is the one he chose for me. hmmmmm. Not satisfied.

Will it help me stim faster? No it won't change how long it takes. So, I need to prepare for 12 nights of stims. This means we will be in Denver for 10 nights. Whoa. I emailed my nurse to see if we can come out 1 day later. But, then if I have to be monitored here another day - that is another 300 dollars, so maybe we should just go?? But, then I get to work 1 more day. Decisions, decisions.

I asked what else he normally covers and he chuckled. (yes, he chuckled). He said normally he has wonky results to report so he spends time on that. He went on to say that all my results came back better than he could have expected. This made me feel odd. Well, I felt like screaming 'Then why are we having problems!!!". Instead I calmly said "Well, Dr. Schoolcraft, that is exactly why I am aggravated - everything appears great, but it isn't working".

That's all folks. What else should I have asked?? Did I miss the boat?

Here are my day 3 results:
E2: 44pg/ml (should be between 19-50)
FSH: 9.2 mIU/ml (<10) (the last time with my local clinic it was 6.8)
LHD: 5.0 mIU/ml (2.0-6.0)

AMH: 1.9 (apparently makes up for my 9.2 FSH)

One week and I will be starting the dreaded Lupron!

DIY Gone Wrong (Day 3 b/w)

Everyone knows about the Day 3 bloodwork that CCRM requires. It goes like this: buy kit from CCRM ($110 if they deliver it to you, $70 if you pick it up during your ODWU). The rest is history (as in easy).

What everyone doesn’t know is that there is a DIY (do it yourself) option. When we were presented with this option, my husband jumped right on board. How hard can it be? I reluctantly went along – thinking we would save 50ish dollars. But, really in the scheme of 20K, 50 dollars = less than 1% (.25% to be exact). This is about the same percentage chance we have of getting knocked up the old fashion way.

Everyone also doesn’t know DIY = BAD IDEA.

It started with finding a place that would give me the serum to walk out with. My old RE said if I brought “the kit” they would send it for me. So, did Quest. I found a hospital that would hand me the goods. So, on day 2 I went to the hospital. Had to explain at least 5 times why I didn’t have “the kit”. Every time I answered different hoping I would finally satisfy them. Never did, btw.

Serum in freezer, check.

Now came the box packaging. Only 1 Publix in Tampa sells dry ice. This complicated things. I will spare all details of the time & energy that went into researching dry ice, figuring out how to pack it, getting a box, a cooler, etc.

Here is how it played out (with pictures via my iphone – mostly b/c I thought this story was going to be about how much money I saved).

DIY Supplies:

3.50 Lunch box cooler

10.00 Dry Ice

2.00 Box

2.00 Peanuts

17.50 Total

At lunch today Josh and I met today in a parking lot to pack the box – he brought the dry ice from the only Publix and I had everything else. Once packed I was headed to the main Fedex building b/c that was the only place that had the “Dry Ice Sticker” that was required. We managed to get 5lbs of dry ice into the smaller vinyl cooler and I was feeling confident about the package.

Fedex was easy. Until he told me how much. It was one of those moments that you think someone is playing a trick on you. For delivery by 10:30 am he said 87 dollars. WHAT???? Wait, what? Wait, can I have a do-over. What??? I was shocked. I asked how much for deliver by 3:30. $79. Jokes on me.

What could I do? I was stuck – need to get them the blood and it needs to get there cold. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry – so I laughed with tears in my eyes. And knew I needed to save someone from this same situation.

Here is the evidence.

So, DIY = Bad Idea.

We spent more money than if we had purchased the kit. And more time, more worry, more energy.

Holding my breath until I hear that CCRM receives it nice and cold tomorrow by 10:30AM.

Goosebumps

Last week I received a cryptic email from my nurse (like she was typing fast and missed some words while adding others) that explained the protocol that has been chosen for me.

NO Birth Control Pills.

WHAT? (I will get back to this)

And that she would be sending my calendar soon (Thur, Friday or the weekend).

All those days came & went.

Monday I needed to get gas, got to the bank, blah blah. So, at lunch I headed out and b/c I was being lazy went to the gas station I hate and swore I would never go back to. When I got out I accidentally carried my phone with me. As I began pumping gas I refreshed my email on my phone while beginning to sing along with the song playing over the gas station radio. It was "I just haven't met you yet"...and I thought - yay, I haven't heard this in awhile. And I looked down and there was an email with my calendar! It was a weird moment. Left me feeling odd, but good. Mostly because............

We are going to Denver in AUGUST!!!!

I feel like it might finally be real! I even looked up "Things to do in Denver"!

So, let's get back to NO BCP.......
From all my research (googling) what I am coming up with is that maybe he thinks it suppresses me too much (along with more days of Lupron). My other 2 cycles I stimmed for 12 nights - which I believe is on the long side - maybe he wants me to be more like 10 days. I won't be able to ask the man himself until the 28th during our regroup.

Today is officially CD1 of my (non BCP) CCRM IVF cycle. Today is a great day.

He's just not that into me...

I have a huge crush. Well, that's what it feels like. You may catch me scribbling any of the following in my notebook at work:

M + W (William or Wizard)
I heart CCRM

I met Dr. Schoolcraft on a Wednesday. *He said he would call in the next few weeks. So, I marked my calendar and told myself I could call him in 8 days. I waited, counting down the days.....and then on the 8th day called while my heart was beating in my chest and left a message (b/c of course he didn't answer) asking a "fake" question to get him to call back so I could ask him the real question: "When can I see you again?". I carried my phone around all day waiting. Then, when I checked my email - there was an email from him! And it said my phone number didn't work. Typical excuse. Of course my fake question was answered (ugh) - and that was that. Well, I quickly replied (during a meeting at work) and broke down and asked the burning question and requested he call me.

I didn't set my phone down for the next 24 hours. No call. But then, as we were driving out of town for 4th of July....that 303 area code appeared! Horray!!! He might be into me after all!!!!!

So seriously, my nurse said she doesn't know yet when we can cycle. Needs to talk to the doc when he returns from Italy TODAY! Said she would call me this week or for me to email her on Thursday.

I have everything crossed that we get to start with my next cycle (next week!). Hoping they can squeeze us in!!!

We did get to test results....the Chromosome blood test on Josh came back normal. And his SA is very low and abnormal - completely on par with the past.

*When referring to he/him I of course mean my nurse, not the wizard himself.

Will update when I get the call (or email).

Documenting the trip...

Let's start it out with a picture of us.





















This is the state-of-the-art CCRM building.





















We landed a big truck from a sleazy sales guy.





















Beautiful view from the PF Changs at Park Meadows.

Hope and Loss in 2 Cities

While I was in Denver with all the hope in my heart my friend was at home grieving the loss of her identical twin boys on their due date. And I wasn't there for her. I can't imagine the pain of living through the day that once was a date of hope and now is a date of loss. Loss of motherhood, loss of dreams, loss of little boys. I am sorry.

We met the Wizard!! (ODWU)

Wow, yesterday was a crazy day. We got to partake in the famous One Day Work-up (ODWU)!

On Tuesday night we flew to Denver - arrived just a bit late, rented a car and headed to our hotel in the Tech Center area. We dropped off our bags and went just next store to an Irish pub. We had a yummy Irish meal and a beer! Yay!

Wednesday our schedule didn't start until 9:30AM. So, we got to sleep in, I went for a cool, hill-y, run, and we watched the first 1/2 of the USA World Cup Soccer Game. Then, it was off to CCRM!!!

Everything I have read was true. It was kind of like preparing too much for a vacation. You read so much about it, nothing is a surprise. A beautiful office, very prompt with our appts, and very professional.

We started with our consult with the Wizard himself. He had an electronic medical record device and reviewed our history and basically went over the same things we discussed on the phone. He was very relaxed and kind - and I absolutely love that he uses the "big" words and doesn't dumb it down too much. I NEED to know he is smart. He is - no joke.

Then, while Josh made is first Colorado deposit - I had an ultrasound that tested the blood flow to my uterus, measured follicles, etc. Then, I had the hysterscopy with Dr. S. Both went well - and all checked out fine. I will get more details in a week or so.

Then, we met with our nurse, Dawn. We went over a binder of all IVF stuff. We went pretty fast b/c we have done this a time or two.

Next we had our blood drawn for all kinds of tests (details to come when I get results).

And finally, we met with the business office - in which a young girl explained the thousands of dollars we will be spending. We put down a 1K deposit so they know we are serious. Of course we are serious, we just spent 4K on testing!!!!

I have some tips I will write in another post....

Only disappointing thing is we may not be starting with my next cycle (July 15th). We may not have all the results in to know "how" to start. Although I am pretty sure BCP will be the beginning, so Dawn said she will see about squeezing us in. This will push the whole schedule back considerably, but it is out of my control. Patience, Patience, Patience...........

How we make a baby.....

Quick baby making history:

April 2006: Married
Dec 2006: Stop BCP / Start charting
Feb 2007: Big trip to Italy - officially start trying
Summer 2007: Knew there was something wrong. Why? Well, b/c Josh was born with undescended testicles and didn't have it fixed until he was much older. Back then doctors said it wouldn't cause issues. WRONG!!! I told my OB/GYN we had been trying a year (white lie) so they would refer him to have a SA.
July 2007: First SA (Semen Analysis). Results very poor and we were referred to a RE. But, I was actually very happy b/c there was a chance there could be no sperm. A few is better than none!
Sept 2007: Met with Dr. Y. Said IVF was our only option. Kicked off all the testing, etc.
Feb 2008: 1st IVF. Hopes sky high. 32 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 5 day transfer of 2 morula's....no blasts and none to freeze. BIG FAT NEGATIVE.
May 2008: Joined the shared risk program. IVF #2. Lowered meds.....18 eggs, 12 fertilized, we chose to do a 3 day transfer regardless.....they watched the remaining embryos and 2 made it to freeze as blasts.
June 3rd 2008: 1st POSITIVE HPT ever. Happiest day of my life.
Feb 12, 2009: Charlotte born!!!
Dec 2009: Back to Dr. Y. to discuss FET......
Jan - Mar 2010: Repeat testing, etc.
April 2010: FET. Both blasts thawed great. BFN. So sad. Wanted to complete our family and leave IVF behind us. Apparently not that easy for us.
June 7th 2010: Phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM
June 23rd: First trip to Denver for our One Day Workup!!

Can't believe June 23rd is 2 days away...

Haven't Met You Yet

Whenever I hear Michael Buble's song "Haven't Met You Yet" I think about the son/daughter that I have yet to meet.....and hope one day (soon) I will be pregnant.

I am starting this blog after almost 3 years of reading other wonderful/amazing blogs that have helped me through tough times and taught me so much. We are on the search for baby #2. And this search is taking us to CCRM - The Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine....all the way from Tampa, Florida.

I am so thankful for our beautiful daughter, Charlotte. Being a mom is the most amazing thing that has happened to me that I want to do it again. And on top of that I want Charlotte to have sibling.

So this is where I will lay it all out - our trips/ODWU/cycle, etc with CCRM. My next post will explain our IVF history!

Thanks for reading!

But first, a few lyrics from Michael's song:

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Here's to hoping every possibility includes baby #2!!!!

-Maggie