Pieces

My heart is in pieces. My mind as well.

I wish I had better news to report. It is not over, but I feel like the end is near. (dramatic, maybe?)

They expected 32 eggs. They got 22. Only 14 were mature (with an E2 over 4000). How does this make sense? I could live with this. But not with the fact that only 7 fertilized. Seven. Single digits.

I feel like comparing to my local clinic isn't right or fair, but here it goes anyway:
IVF #1: 32 eegs (e2: 3600), 31 mature, 19 fertilized, BUT on day 5 only 1 blast and 1 morula - BFN
IVF #2: 18 eggs (e2: 3100), 17 mature, 12 fertilized. 3DT of two 7 cell embryos, BFP resulted in my daughter. Additional 2 frozen: FET BFN.

Dr. Schoolie said I was an easy case. Is the joke on him or on me?

Last night I reached out to the nurse email (since I don't have a nurse) with a list of questions such as: Did any of the immature eggs mature over night, do we need to change the plan since there are only 7, and asked specifically for Dr. Schoolie's take on things.

I received an email back that Dr. Schoolie is out of the office for the next week but she would talk to Dr. Surr. The day is over and never heard back from her. However, she did also reach out to John (embryology) and he called me.

Nice guy. Probably lots of practice talking to very emotional women. He agreed that all the numbers seem "off" but that the doctor would have to address that with me. So, we talked embryos. I guess my concern was that if we only had a 50% fert rate does that correlate to not so great embryos that we do have? He said no. Whew, I guess. He said none matured over night but that they are still working on this process so it is not a huge concern. He also said they recommend continuing on the genetic testing path as long as you start with 6 or more embryos. I also asked if they will "check" on them tomorrow. He said of course they will and he will call me " because you seem stressed". However, what they see doesn't necessarily reflect what will happen in the following few days. So, it seems it will be a call to just get me more worked up.

Everyone says stay positive. What do you think? Am I overreacting? Is 7 still okay? I need honesty here. Please.

IF we are lucky to have 2 make it to Friday, THEN I have to hope that at least 1 comes back normal. THEN I have to hope the ONE sticks. This is a lot to ride on.

For almost 2 years I had a break from infertility. It was still there, but laying dormant. It all came back when our FET failed. But, I still had hope. Through the process with CCRM I have been so positive - excited for friends pregnancy news, all that jazz without it really hurting. I mean I am going to the BEST clinic in the US. The doctor says I am easy. And then the message on my phone came. It all came tumbling down while sitting on the plane. Immediately I am sad/jealous/angry and want to scream IT IS NOT FAIR.

I feel unbelievably lucky I have Charlotte. She is my everything. But, I have a hole in my heart - for her sister/brother - for my son/daughter. And the pain is real and hurts like hell. It is not easier this time. And when people say, at least you have Charlotte, I smile and say yes. But I do not feel complete.