Beautiful

That is how the embryologist described our 7 three day old embryos. I almost fell over. He reviewed them with Dr. Surrey and he recommended we keep on going forward to biopsy. I know we still have a long way to go (days 3-5 always seems to be the rough spot). But, I am happy the road continues at this check-point.

Thank you so much for all the comments. I appreciate all the kind words - they helped tremendously.

I have even more news. THREE more fertilized. Huh? So, what he said is they did not “observe” fertilization in those other 7 mature eggs – but when he looked today 3 more had started dividing. Can you say shocked?

So on to the stats. All 10 (yes, I said TEN) are grade 4 (the best).
Of the original 7:
5 are 8 cells
1 is 6 cells
1 is 10 cells
Of the mystery 3
1 is 8 cells
1 is 5 cells
1 is 4 cells

He said not to be discouraged with the 4/5 cell ones - of course not - they didn't even exist yesterday!!!

I know I sound like a different person from yesterday. I only hope this is the same person typing on Friday night – that dark place is very scary.

There are very special people in my life that are dealing with all my emotions – and for them I am so thankful. They are always by my side in the highs and don’t run away in the lows. I only hope I can be as good of a friend.

Keep on growing girls (yes, I picture them all as girls)!

Pieces

My heart is in pieces. My mind as well.

I wish I had better news to report. It is not over, but I feel like the end is near. (dramatic, maybe?)

They expected 32 eggs. They got 22. Only 14 were mature (with an E2 over 4000). How does this make sense? I could live with this. But not with the fact that only 7 fertilized. Seven. Single digits.

I feel like comparing to my local clinic isn't right or fair, but here it goes anyway:
IVF #1: 32 eegs (e2: 3600), 31 mature, 19 fertilized, BUT on day 5 only 1 blast and 1 morula - BFN
IVF #2: 18 eggs (e2: 3100), 17 mature, 12 fertilized. 3DT of two 7 cell embryos, BFP resulted in my daughter. Additional 2 frozen: FET BFN.

Dr. Schoolie said I was an easy case. Is the joke on him or on me?

Last night I reached out to the nurse email (since I don't have a nurse) with a list of questions such as: Did any of the immature eggs mature over night, do we need to change the plan since there are only 7, and asked specifically for Dr. Schoolie's take on things.

I received an email back that Dr. Schoolie is out of the office for the next week but she would talk to Dr. Surr. The day is over and never heard back from her. However, she did also reach out to John (embryology) and he called me.

Nice guy. Probably lots of practice talking to very emotional women. He agreed that all the numbers seem "off" but that the doctor would have to address that with me. So, we talked embryos. I guess my concern was that if we only had a 50% fert rate does that correlate to not so great embryos that we do have? He said no. Whew, I guess. He said none matured over night but that they are still working on this process so it is not a huge concern. He also said they recommend continuing on the genetic testing path as long as you start with 6 or more embryos. I also asked if they will "check" on them tomorrow. He said of course they will and he will call me " because you seem stressed". However, what they see doesn't necessarily reflect what will happen in the following few days. So, it seems it will be a call to just get me more worked up.

Everyone says stay positive. What do you think? Am I overreacting? Is 7 still okay? I need honesty here. Please.

IF we are lucky to have 2 make it to Friday, THEN I have to hope that at least 1 comes back normal. THEN I have to hope the ONE sticks. This is a lot to ride on.

For almost 2 years I had a break from infertility. It was still there, but laying dormant. It all came back when our FET failed. But, I still had hope. Through the process with CCRM I have been so positive - excited for friends pregnancy news, all that jazz without it really hurting. I mean I am going to the BEST clinic in the US. The doctor says I am easy. And then the message on my phone came. It all came tumbling down while sitting on the plane. Immediately I am sad/jealous/angry and want to scream IT IS NOT FAIR.

I feel unbelievably lucky I have Charlotte. She is my everything. But, I have a hole in my heart - for her sister/brother - for my son/daughter. And the pain is real and hurts like hell. It is not easier this time. And when people say, at least you have Charlotte, I smile and say yes. But I do not feel complete.

Twenty Two

22 eggs are being fertilized and I can't help but hope all are mature and we get a good fertilization report tomorrow (hopefully before we get on our 4 hour flight!!).

Had a great experience at the surgery center. Josh went in at 7:30 while I watched Charlotte outside. Then, we switched off and I went upstairs at 8 to start the process. A very nice nurse, Lynn, got me all set up. I was very nervous about the IV, but with the hot towel and numbing shot it wasn't bad at all! Then, I read a magazine while I waited for the party to start at 9. Dr. M did the procedure - I really got a great feeling about her.

But, wow, they made me wait to find out how many eggs!!! I was so anxious and started to go crazy thinking all the nurses were avoiding eye contact and that bad news was coming. The girl from the lab came and told me there were 22 eggs. I was happy but also wondered where all the rest of them went? I will always remember that Dr. S said that around 20 was the most he liked getting - so I am going to take it as a good sign and be really positive.

Tonight I have to take my dostinex, cetrotide shot and antibiotic.

Thanks for reading and for the support!!

Are we there yet?

Yes, we are! I am triggering tonight at 10pm. So happy & excited - and trusting that the wizard has made the right decisions along the way. I wasn't called until 6pm - so I was a bit on edge. But cheered when she told me it was time to trigger. At my u/s there are still sooo many follicles. It kind of looks like a honey comb. The biggest was 20, but most were from 16-18. Each u/s tech (I have seen 4) has asked if I have polycystic ovaries - which is what Dr. S suspected based on my previous cycles. But the results from my ODWU did not lead indicate I do.

It seems they are worried about OHSS. I had to take a cetrotide shot tonight. And I also had to fill a script for dostinex (well, I actually got the generic cabergoline). And I was told a fresh transfer was not an option (luckily we are doing the CGH testing) so wasn't disappointed.

Retrieval Saturday morning at 9am. Then we get to head home Sunday. Yay!!!

I know I know, then the wait to get the day 5/6 report.

Coasting and Freaking

Well, I am officially coasting.

Only did Lupron tonight. And no meds in the morning. My E2 was up to 4200 today. My follicles grew but still not where they want them to be. Am I really going to go more than 1 more day? Isn't coasting for 3 days bad???

My friend Christie helped talk me down from completely losing it so I am feeling better. I keep coming back to the fact that I have to trust Dr. Schoolcraft. And it sounds like he is actually the one reviewing my chart.

Oh, and she said there are over 20 one ONE ovary. No wonder my belly is huge.

Never ending....

Still in Denver.
Still having fun.
Still have over 30 follicles growing.
MAJOR bloat. I mean crazy.
I feel like we may never go home. This cycle goes on & on & on.
Had to pick up a different med: Luveris

Continuation of cycle:
Day 10: 1 menopur am, 75 gonal-f pm E2: 2361 Follicle count/size: 20+/largest 16
Day 11: No menopur am, 1 Luveris pm E2: 3345 Follicle count/size: 20+/largest 18
Day 12: 1 Luveris instead of menopur am, pm TBD

I am REALLY hoping to trigger tomorrow night (I want to go home on Saturday rather than Sunday) - these follicles better be growing a lot tonight!!!

Shots shots and more shots

We are still going strong in Denver. Seems we will be here for awhile longer.....on schedule for 11 or 12 nights of stims.

We have been having so much fun and keeping very busy during the days. Much better than being at work!! Looking for restaurant recomendations if anyone has any. Also, we are interested in driving to the mountains for a daytrip but I can't decide where to go: Georgetown, Boulder??

Thought I would outline my whole cycle with E2 levels and follicle details.

Day 1: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 2: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 3: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 4: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm E2: 97 Follicle count/size: 20/not measurable
Day 5: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 6: 2 menopur am, 300 gonal-f pm E2: 397 Follicle count/size: 20ish/not sure - still small
Day 7: 2 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm
Day 8: 2 menopur am, 75 gonal-f pm E2: 1025 Follicle count/size: 30ish/12 largest
Day 9: 1 menopur am, 150 gonal-f pm E2: 1600ish Follicle count/size: 30ish/13 largest
Day 10(tomorrow): 1 menopur am, TBD pm

Notes: every night I also do 5 Lupron and dexamethosone
As far as follicles - it all depended on the nurse and what she wanted to share with me.

I think they will keep me going as long as my E2 stays in-check. As far as my history goes - my first cycle I triggered when it was 3600 and got 32 eggs (30 mature, 18 fert). Second cycle I triggered at 3000 and got 18 eggs (17 mature, 12 fert).

Bring on all those Denver recommendations!

Pump it up

Day 6 of stims and we are in Denver!

Cycle notes:
Doing 2 Menopur every morning and 150 iu of Gonal-f every night
Day 4: e2 was only 97, small follicles but about 20
Day 6: e2 391, she counted 18 (still very small)

This afternoon the nurse told me:
Day 6 evening: pump it up to 300 iu Gonal-f (want to kick start everything)
Day 7: 2 menopur and back to 150 gonal-f (no b/w or u/s)
Day 8: 2 menopur in morning then u/s and b/w

Not sure how I feel about all this. The e2 numbers are on par with my other cycles - so doing 300 makes me nervous but I have to believe in them. I know I am capable of making 18-30 eggs so getting less than 15 will depress me - but of course the quality may be better so I just need to relax!

And just some notes about the little bits of drama.....

-On day 4 I had a stressful evening as CCRM didn't receive my results from my local clinic and didn't tell me until after 5. Luckily I was able to get my b/w results but only got a vocal recollection of my u/s.
-Did you know that the local monitoring includes u/s and then p4, e2 AND LH....for a total of $500 for each visit. Holy cow. (I must have missed this on other blogs?)
-Our hotel is great (Hampton Inn & Suites in Tech Center area)

Hoping to get a good nights sleep....night night! Grow follies grow!

And we're off....

Just a quick update. Baseline checked out fine, and my hormones were low. I didn't ask for details b/c they called at the absolute WORST time and I was rushing to get off the phone. But glad it was good news.

Looking forward to the menopur burn tomorrow morning.

Thanks for all the well wishes!

Check out google

AF arrived! Yipeeeeeeee!! So, was it the exercise, the shake or the s-e-x. Or maybe it was that I ovulated 14 days ago. Ha!

What freaks me out though is that I was so obsessed and worried about AF – how am I going to handle all of the rest of the steps….retrieval, fertilization, day 3 report, day 5 report, and CGH results. There is a long road ahead of us…..

Speaking of the yellow brick road. I went to google this morning and was surprised to see this….









"Today's Google doodle celebrates The Wizard of Oz, which had its first premiere screening 71 years ago today. "

Tomorrow morning is my supression check. Hopefully we will be off to see the wizard....

Where is she????

Freaking out!!!

AF has to arrive before my 7am appointment on Friday or all our careful (and thrifty) planning is out the window. Aghhhhh.

Any ideas? I am crampy and feel like it is coming, but where o where is she?? I know I ovulated 14 days ago.

What google told me....milkshake (chick-fil-a cookies and cream - check), exercise (running this morning - check), bath (maybe tonight?), sex (maybe tonight?), relax (not gonna happen).

Bring it on beaotch!!!!!

Ready. Set. Go.

My P4 was 24 - so definitely met the requirement of >5. Thanks for the well wishes!

Next step....call when AF arrives. I am guessing Tue/Wed. Then, baseline will be Friday morning (the 13th). Then the real fun begins!

Until then just trying not to obsess. (or worry or freak out or yell at my DH).

I spy.....$2600 dollars

I got my box of meds today - delivered at work. I will consider this my obligatory meds picture b/c we all know what is in there....some gonal-f, menopur, lupron, HCG, and lots o lots of needles.




















Tomorrow morning I have my p4 test to make sure it is >5 - then I will start Lupron tomorrow night. I hope our schedule stays on track!! I can't believe it is starting. I am excited and scared to death all at the same time.

Surprises.

Not the OH MY GAWD I got a BFP the cycle before IVF.

Deciding to go to CCRM wasn't a hard decision for me. Our 2 options were to do the shared risk for 25K (3 fresh/3 frozen) or go to CCRM for 1 shot with answers for about the same cost. I get crazy obsessed during my cycles. During the FET in April I was so obsessed I even lost focus on Charlotte - this broke my heart. This was a main factor in the decision - I just knew I couldn't keep going through it over and over and was tired of relying on "luck".

Anyway, back to the surprises. It is A LOT of money. I try to block out the thoughts about how most people do it for FREE. And then the insurance coverage I DO NOT have.

So, every time I learn about another 100 dollar surprise I say "hey, what the hell, we are spending 25K anyway". Well I am starting to think all those 100's are starting to add up to over a thousand. This is bothering me and it is actually pissing Josh off.

Here are a few:
-Extra $150 for the "admin" fee for the clinic here to monitor me (oh, and I get to pay it now and again during the FET monitoring)
-Extra $400 for "Drs" fee for the CCS
-Re-group $108 that lasted 6 minutes (I wish I had just not done it)

Anyone have any advice for how to just let it be?